So, I am trying to find someone to talk to, who will be unbiased toward my situation. Maybe it is best to let it be. Exes dont always want to get back together after reaching out. Its up to you, but she is married, after all. reg-o-matic 5 yr. ago After close to 20 years, my ex wife reached out to apologize. So, be a good human being and talk about it to your partner. And I felt much better letting him know how much I'd cared about him during our relationship even though I hadn't expressed that in words well enough back then. But for that to happen, your ex has to suffer and change his or her opinion of you. You are about to put a lot at stake here. In this response, you're being vulnerable and expressive of your feelings. You are not the first one to deal with this adverse state of affairs. I think she just wanted to test the waters for a while since she missed you. What to do if an ex contacts you after years isnt the easiest thing to decide. Shes blocked me off everything , moved twice now. In fairness, you were in your teens when you got together, and they were clueless about relationships. I think if you don't feel completely comfortable responding or you're questioning their motives, then don't respond. He mentioned catching up and I respectfully declined, immediately established the limit. Bye." Chapter closed. The important thing to remember is to be honest. Maybe theyve spent the past couple of years thinking about how perfect you were together and that they havent had a better relationship since. If your only reason to respond to the text is to get that closure, its better to leave the text on seen. Do what's best for you. PostedMay 1, 2020 Programs. Theres also a chance that your partner has asked what youd do if your ex resurfaced. Will things be better now? The best way to handle this is by understanding the fact that sometimes a text is just a text, says Jaseena. They could, and that one little text has the power to turn your life upside down. If you reach 41 weeks (1 week overdue), your provider will do tests to check on the baby. It creates so much confusion because your ex's actions are conflicting. Perhaps they feel genuinely guilty about hurting you so badly and cant find their peace until you forgive them. QueasyAllday 1 yr. ago ouch TX_Farmer I sent an ex a sincere apology letter. Getting an outside opinion from someone can prevent this thing from venturing into the tricky territory of hot-and-cold and help you maintain the blissful life you have been leading since the breakup. Unanticipated, unasked, over five years later. Minor inconveniences in their way or temptations to commit infidelity can drift two lovers apart in a jiffy. The first time was about 6 months later. Tell him, "thanks for calling, hope he is having a good life". If you have a close friend or someone who knows your history with your ex, spill the beans about the text and ask for advice. Now, she wants to meet for coffee and I cant resist myself because I still need that closure. Make sure you remain honest if you decide to speak. Very small group of 3,500 so chance of me seeing a message from her I worked out was like 20 million to one. When a toxic and/or abusive ex-partner reaches out or asks to stay friends, they're most likely looking to ensnare you back into the unhealthy dynamic that made the relationship lethal in the first place. The grass looks greener, so your ex skates out into the wild world of dating to find someone who ALSO has quirks, hangups and is generally human just like you are. More often than not, they just want to catch up and be friends. Anyway I replied nicely and she was surprised I wanted to even speak to her. However, video calls are especially meaningful when someone is totally isolated or when grandkids or more than one person is at one end of the phone. It was interesting seeing him again. But telling him things that would hurt him? You should be careful so you dont misinterpret your exs behavior and get mislead and hurt. Do you like how your life looks without your ex? Youve probably told your partner all about your ex, and why you broke up. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. His reply is 'the plain human courage shown by the people of Vietnam', instead of the . He studied at the University of Amsterdam and has a bachelor's in Clinical Psychology. But heres what you should consider doing when you discover that your ex: To conclude, here are 7 things to do when an ex contacts you years later. And continue, saying "You are now happily married, well settled in your life and you would appreciate if he keeps the past as a history. I dont think there is a deep hidden meaning here. I imagine he just wants to check up. In fact, it can help minimize our own sense of anxiety. My Ex Is Drinking/Partying After A Breakup, whether you think your ex can make a good friend, how much emotional progress youve made since the breakup, and how much respect you have for your ex, how your familys doing (not to be mistaken for an indirect approach to break the ice), how you perceive your ex and feel about him or her, Your ex could also be very direct and say . If they agree, set the date and meet up with them. I assumed she didnt want to contact me and vice-versa. Have you ever considered getting back with your ex? This goes double if you had a true friendship at the center of your bond. I read it and deleted it without responding. I'd be more likely to reach out to his wife and apologize for not seeing sooner how hurt she was, and that I was being selfish (I was, entirely). You never know how valuable your reach-out might be to another. At the time of our relationship, I was still keeping a lot to myself emotionally. What role are they going to play? The good thing about it is that you get to decide whether you want her in your life or not. Dont let your ex pull the strings on you just for the sake of finding closure. A few months after his phone call, my family moved again, this time to the other side of the country. They Want A Shoulder To Cry On Tell them that your ex is trying to reach you. She has grown up and matured a lot in this time, as have I. The following four steps can help you work through the process. Ex Royal Marine, 34, who was forced out of the military after he developed tinnitus and hearing loss when 'useless' earplugs 'fell out' during training exercises wins 700,000 payout I was unable to provide the support he needed at the time, as I had not healed and wasn't ready to let go of my trauma (my therapist says I didn't want to relinquish the power he had over me - that it was a continuation of the abuse.) It could be your mental peace, could be the relationship with your new partner. It means that you must wait for your ex to verbalize or show what he or she wants. I cant say for sure, but its time for you to move forward from this person. Your ex probably felt apprehensive about contacting you after so many years, but because your ex was curious about you or needed a favor or something else from you, he or she contacted you anyway. Perhaps they have even started dating soon after the breakup. Most adults in their 40s and up spent long hours on the telephone as teenagersthey were the way we deepened friendships, kindled romances, and were able to comfortably whisper our deepest secrets or express our angerwhen there was no other way to get close to the friend, romantic interest, or ex-romantic interest. My ex has reached out to me a handful of times over the last 15 years. The X-Men timeline desperately needed to sync up at one point, and 2014's "X-Men: Days of Future Past" was the vehicle that helped mash together the multiple versions of "X-Men" history. Talking again was good, and I'm happy we did. Its much more important that he lets you enjoy your life in peace. You were friends before getting involved in a relationship, and becoming a couple destroyed your friendship. 1. What do you think? A closure response. You can also use the online chat. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Granted, I was also really young comparatively (mid-twenties) and I didn't understand that closure comes from yourself, not another person (I had a really wonderful therapist help me work through this paradigm-shift). Instead of overthinking about what they might want, you should focus on where you stand in this whole situation. She didnt have the basic courtesy to offer me an explanation, says Elena, To this day, I wonder what went wrong in our perfectly happy relationship that she had to back off like that! A little bit of backstory, when I was younger I was in the Air Force and stationed at a Air base in another state. Your mental peace certainly comes before they rant to you about their workload and unmet marital fulfillment. Curiosity mainly. If you have a partner, think of them as well. I wished him well too. Whats sad is during a 2.5 year separation period I had no idea how she felt. Don't immediately reply and take some time to think it over to figure out what you ultimately want out of this interaction. When you get a text from an ex, all youre probably thinking about is what they want. Here are five things to do when your ex reaches out after years. I think it is best I keep my distance to avoid stirring the pot. On a bitter note, they couldnt handle the happy, successful life you are leading. Substance use doesn't negate the fact that you put me in the hospital multiple times and caused me significant trauma, PTSD. Dont reconnect expecting the relationship to start back up at the depth it existed years ago. Naturally, it can make your exes come back when you stop caring. They know they could never have given you the life you have now. Closure is not something you can give someone or receive from someone. Thank you for being you. I'd suspected he had too. The next thing you know, youre back in an unhealthy relationship because you were enticed by a moment of weakness. Im not sure if Im doing the right thing. If your relationship ending with your ex has left you in a therapists room, it is wiser to leave the ex in the past. She said, Wow, instant reply. So, before you slam a sarcastic emoji in their face, grab a tea or a book. ). But he wasn't thrilled about it, but we all agreed to never meet in person. Something bad must have happened to her that made her want to clear he conscience. You already have a family to take care of. You slipped back into a temporary depression, but this wont last long. But if youve received an adequate amount of closure after breaking up with them and actually have been able to move on, it could be easier to respond or even ignore the text. You are right that there probably isn't a deeper meaning t9 it. Dont go looking for closure when an ex contacts you years later, moved on and found happiness all over again, 9 Reasons You Miss Your Ex And 5 Things You Can Do About It, 15 Clever Ways to Turn Down An Ex Who Wants To Be Friends, 51 Non-Cliched Second Date Ideas That Will Lead To A Third, 18 Things To Say To Reassure Your Boyfriend About Your Relationship, 13 Encouraging Early Signs Of A Good Relationship, Dating An Overthinker: 15 Tips To Make It Successful, Telepathy In Love 14 Undeniable Signs You Have Telepathic Connection With Your Partner, 25 Ways To Keep A Conversation Going With A Girl, The 7 Phases Of Dating You Go Through Before Youre Officially A Couple, 17 Effective Ways To Make A Long-Distance Relationship Work, 21 Zoom Date Ideas You And Your SO Will Love, 150 Truth Or Drink Questions: Swirl Some Fun, Sizzle, Kinks, And Romance, How To Make A Girl Think About You 18 Tricks That Always Work, 55+ Flirty First Date Questions | Jaw-Dropping List of 2023, Are You Scared To Be In A Relationship? They just want you to know theyre sorry. Just take your time. 1. I didnt feel empowered by her reaching out, just felt sad more than anything else. 10 reasons why exes reach out after months of silence 1) They didn't process the breakup after it happened To you, the relationship might feel like old news. So they come back, tail between their legs, ready to renegotiate their bond with you. That is, why exactly exes pop up after a breakup in the first place? He ended up forgiving me and it was a wonderful feeling, to not have to carry around that burden anymore. My ex contacted me after 18 months of no contact during lockdown. They do whatever it takes to reconnect with an ex because their ex can make them feel better. Do you want to pursue a relationship, friendship, acquaintanceship, or do you wish not to speak with your ex? You get to decide whether to forgive her and alleviate her guilty conscience. My ex messaged me after a year. But if your ex keeps messaging you afterward and shows a lot of interest in you in one way or another, then your ex probably wants to be friends or is gathering the courage to ask you out again. Ah, ex sex. He got married but still contacted me for some reason. Been talking to my ex for about a month and for 1st time in 10+ years I feel happy. A voice can calm us down and we can catch so much more meaning when listening to anothers inflection, tone, rate of speech that texts will never allow even with the latest set of emojis! For many adults, that can fuel the attraction to Facebook friends from high school daysthey remind us of a time when we were more self-assured than we might be now, more carefree, and probably with a greater sense of agency in our lives. I stopped going to the club in case they came again. We dont often think about emotional labor as work, but it IS indeed work. Honestly, I have never found that sentiment to be true. Life can be so cruel at times as she was the love of my life and my heart never let me forget her. Youre married with beautiful children, successful, and go on the most amazing vacations. So first things first, discern what your ex wants from you and secondly, what you can gain from your ex. Most people go through lifehidingparts of their character because theyre afraid of being judged. The bitterness, anger, and disappointment buried deep down may rear their ugly heads when this text lights up your screen. They might just want to be friends with you, if youre open to the idea. Thanks for replying, I figured it probably was. If they were unwilling or incapable of giving you closure themselves, reconnecting with an ex after 10 years isnt going to do the trick. "What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the . So they pick up the phone, dial your number, and hope youre just as lonely as them and willing to have a conversation. And that I kind of think he shouldn't have stayed married if he wanted to pursue polyamory, because of what it did to hi, Thanks for sharing, I understand that what you are tempted to do is verbalise what you have learnt and worked through post breakup and have him acknowledge your feelings. Yeah, no. And that I kind of think he shouldn't have stayed married if he wanted to pursue polyamory, because of what it did to his wife? Each relationship has its own unique conclusion. Its been several years since you broke up with your ex, and theyve assumed youve got over what happened. Your ex may not want you back, but when it takes your ex years to reach out, you can tell that your ex has been thinking about you for so long that he or she changed some opinions of you and mustered up the courage to contact you. He has a wife and two adorable girls now and Im happy for him. (ETA: Not in an obsessive "someday-we'll-be-together-again" way, lol. Its not one-sided either, they both feel the same way. Whatever the bad news, your ex thought youd want to know about it. Both of you have partners, your ex no longer has romantic feelings for you, and theyre hoping you can become friends again. If youre feeling a bit confused and overwhelmed by your ex contacting you, speak to a trusted friend or family member. A part of me feels like I need to give him closure and I'm not sure how? Your obligation toward your ex has ended, and it is alright to think of yourself first. Unfortunately, when they show up like this and vent about their problems on you, then disappear again, it just creates frustration and emotional turmoil for you. Secondly, it also gives us evidence that others have successfully faced similar challenges. After the initial gloomy impact of the breakup is lifted, they perceive that leaving you (or cheating on you) was a huge mistake. My ex contacted me after 10 + years. I'm glad we spoke, given how messily and immaturely things had ended. Signs And Coping Tips, 15 Speed Dating Dos and Donts You Need To Know, How To Start A Conversation With A Girl: 20 Ways That Never Fail, 10 Ways To Tell Your Parents You Have A Girlfriend, Dealing With An Insecure Boyfriend?